I must be too annoying 4 u.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
