I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize