Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
