My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
