two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize