somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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