we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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