i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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