It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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