Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
