i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
