my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
