I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize