He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You ruined the universe
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
