life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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