Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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