I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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