I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
PANTIES FOUND
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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