My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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