thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
All I want is dick and wine.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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