I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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