My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize