I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
