just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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