I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize