david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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