When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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