Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
