i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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