Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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