at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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