I feel like abortions should bother me more
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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