I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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