Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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