i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
