I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
