So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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