No stitches, just platelets and will power
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
