She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
