I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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