make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My bed smells like the plague
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
