Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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