Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
