Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
