I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
