so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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