Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
we should paint friendship bongs
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
