You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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