so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
