i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
