the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
