Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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