girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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