i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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