Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
